Knit n Things

Let this be a lesson to you. NO ONE is better than you – even when you’ve convinced yourself otherwise.

This weekend I went to a local dance club with my brother, his wife and their friends to celebrate Laurie’s birthday. Early in the evening I was chatting with Laurie’s sister when I noticed a cute boy across the bar. I pointed him out to Liz who agreed that he was rather good looking and she encouraged me to go talk to him. Immediately a flood of reasons why I couldn’t talk to him rushed into my head. I’m sure he won’t like me – I’m too fat; not pretty enough; too boring; he probably has a skinny, fabulous, rich, girlfriend; he probably makes lots of money & I’ll feel like a loser cuz I don’t; *insert other self-abusive comments here (there were lots). Basically it came down to I’m not good enough.

The night carries on and there’s lots of drinking, and dancing then I see the boy again. This time – before I could talk myself out of it – I walk up to him introduce myself and ask if I can buy him a beer (go me!) We get our beer and go out to the patio to chat. It was a disaster. I actually felt bad for the guy.

First off he was hammered. I have no objections to drinking and having a good time. I was rather buzzy myself – but when you start to slur your speech and can’t really focus on the person in front of you – it might be a bit much. The poor guy was so drunk that there was no brake between his brain and his mouth. He seemed to be pleased – shocked actually – that I was talking to him, I took that to mean he was interested. He started to tell me about himself – and well – if I were an interested guy I wouldn’t have told me any of this stuff – I’d have made stuff up.

He told me he’s 25 and lives with his mom. He works a dead-end job and can’t really afford to do much. He’s rather shy (which would be fine if not for the rest), has no social life. Most nights he stays home and drinks. This statement prodded me to ask if he had a problem with alcohol to which he replied, (rather proudly) “I think that I might.” It only got better after that. Luckily for me his inebriated state only allowed him to sit with me for about 10 minutes before he had to go “take a leak.”

I can’t believe that I spent even one second beating myself about talking to him. It makes me wonder how many other “winners” I didn’t talk to because “I wasn’t good enough.” I know I’m not the only woman out there that does this to herself. STOP IT! I am going to make my very best effort to NEVER do that to myself ever again. I have enough self-esteem and body images issues; piling them on because I’m afraid of rejection – from a boy that isn’t even worth the effort – is completely insane!

I’ve mentioned it before – boys make me stupid – and to abuse myself for one is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I’m actually thankful to this guy. If not for his stellar qualities I may have never realized that I do this to myself. There’s enough negativity in life – I don’t need to take it from myself too.